And so it is

I said before that it seems I write better when I'm feeling down.

I also said that that's not true coz I can also churn out decent stuff when I'm happy.

But no.

In the end, I only get the undeniable urge to write when depressed. So what's the source of my depression now?

Oddly enough, this has been a question that I haven't been able to rightly answer for almost a year now.

So let's try to break it down.


Q1: Do I hate work?

Let's see. I did at first. Overworked, underpaid, work-life imbalance, and my inferiority complex revved up to the point of idiocracy, but believe it or not, I actually like the people I work with. The only enemy in this scenario is myself because I always tend to overthink EVERY single thing and sometimes I can't even bring myself to leave my bed.

This has happened before. It started at one week, then three weeks, then three months. And somehow I still have my job.

Unfortunately, it's a daily struggle. So. Yeah. It sucks.


Q2: Do I hate my family life?

Well things have changed. Sometimes I feel like blood relations are just about as substantial as crap, and I have gone weeks and weeks in silence in my own home despite the fact that I don't live alone.

It wasn't always this way. There was a time when I could actually have a conversation in my own home without it being prompted by false pretenses for the sake of other family members. This was back when my housemate hadn't devolved into a current-boyfriend-mimic and was actually her own person.

I've been told not to expect a damn thing anymore in this regard. Truthfully, it Would be better if I did just that, but I always keep forgetting not to expect.


Q3: Love life problems?

No. Blissful happy in that regard. But the problem now is that love-life-time has been reduced to a once a week event. Or even less.


Q4: Friendship problems?

I don't quite have time for a social life anymore. Work and sleep is my life. Believe me, I've tried to work on that. No time. No time at all.


So I think that about covers it all.

Nothing so bad.

Except these days I'm losing the battle. My last mantra doesn't quite work the same magic on me so...


...yeah, I've kinda lost the battle to give a shit.


I'll try to work on it.